


unjustifiable

by rowanwhitethorn (matsuokarins)



Series: just another soul with feelings [1]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan, The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: M/M, Pre-The Blood of Olympus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-10
Updated: 2015-06-10
Packaged: 2018-04-03 18:12:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4110319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matsuokarins/pseuds/rowanwhitethorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jason is no stranger to seriously fucking up. But accidentally kissing someone certainly is a new experience. And dealing with the consequences is something Jason isn't quite prepared to handle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. the kiss

There wasn’t any real explanation for the events that had Jason locked in his bedroom, immobilized on his bed. Mentally, he paced, his mind racing, but physically he couldn’t even move. 

Nothing much scared Jason. Fighting monsters? Not a problem. Giants? A bit of a challenge, but sure. Telling his girlfriend, Piper, that he loved her for the first time? Even that he could do. But kissing Nico di Angelo? Nope. Jason had finally found the thing he couldn’t deal with. 

He and Nico had become very close since the Cupid incident - in a strictly platonic bro-pal kind of way, of course. Jason hadn’t expected it, but once his walls were down (a feat that took time and extreme trust), the kid was cool to hang out with. He may seem like a brooding, impregnable, detached guy, but Jason now knew that was just a front. Nico was a total dork. Jason thought it was the most adorable thing in the world - in a very heterosexual bro-pal kind of way. 

But there was nothing he could ever do to justify the kiss. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Jason and Nico were sitting against the cabin walls on the stern of the Argo II, just like usual. Nico wasn’t much for being in the company of the rest of the seven, and Jason didn’t push it, sitting outside on the ship deck with him instead. Besides, Nico would do anything to avoid Percy. He’d go to hell and back (literally) to avoid Percy and Annabeth together. 

Jason didn’t see how Percy could be so oblivious. Then again, Nico wasn’t exactly forward with emotions. Jason wouldn’t know anything about him if it weren’t for the Cupid thing. Even now, Nico wasn’t exactly willing to open up. 

“I still think I would be an excellent wingman,” Jason commented, breaking a comfortable silence, keeping watch for monsters. 

“Drop it, Grace,” Nico shoved his shoulder good-naturedly. “It’s not happening.”

“You never know,” Jason argued. “I know a thing or two about Percy Jackson, and I think if we phrase this just right…”

“Really, Jason? How many weeks have you known him, again? How many years have I put up with him?” Nico countered. 

“‘Put up with’, sure,” Jason scoffed. 

“Oh, c’mon,” Nico said. “Have you met Percy? The boy’s kind of annoying. And reckless, ugh. He never looks out for himself and leaves the rest of us to fret over him…” 

“You have no obligation to worry about him, Nico.” Jason said gently. “Percy’s a big boy. He can take care of himself.” 

“Can he really?” Nico looked over at him and Jason saw the bare hint of soul-deep pain in his eyes. “Because I’ve heard something like that before.” 

“Hey,” Jason felt, rather than heard, his voice soften. “Is there something...something that happened that you want to talk about?”

“Not really, no,” Nico turned away, folding his arms over his chest, the guarded look reappearing in his eyes. “But...I suppose if I’m going to take a shot at this friendship thing” - Nico’s voice curled around the word. Admittedly, Jason had pushed the friend thing a bit. Nico had shoved him away, not wanting to be hovered over, unsure of Jason’s intentions. But Jason prided himself on being rather intuitive when it came to people and felt that Nico needed someone to open up to. Hades, he’d needed it as well. 

“If we’re friends, then I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to talk to you about it,” Nico conceded, his posture relaxing a little. “You clearly trust me, so maybe I need to take a chance at trusting you.” 

“Hey, I unload a lot of my baggage onto you. Go for it,” Jason said. 

“I...I lost my older sister. I was only just 13, and just barely out of the Lotus - that hotel I was stuck in for 70 years, remember? - and she went on a quest. With Percy. She told me she could look after herself. She told me they wouldn’t let anything happen to her. She promised me she was coming home,” his voice cracked. 

“She never did come back from that quest and...and I was all alone. Bianca, she’d been by my side for over 70 years. She was my best friend as a child. She was all I had left when we lost our mother. She accepted me and promised she’d never let anyone tear me down. Things were...things were different back in the 40’s and I...I couldn’t come to terms with myself. But she let me try, no questions asked.” The words seemed to spill out of his mouth, like a river breaking through a dam after years. Jason wondered if Nico had ever talked to anyone about this. 

“I don’t remember much from the Lotus. It’s all a little hazy. But I know she never left me, in 70 years. And I never left her. We looked out for each other, protected each other. And then...I knew it would be dangerous, but I guess I was too young to grasp what dangerous really was. I should never have let her go. The one time I’m not there...she...she’s gone.” 

Nico was silent, breathing heavily. Jason was afraid to break the silence. Demigods lost people. It was a fact of their dangerous life. But Nico sounded so broken, like he still hadn’t recovered from the loss years ago. Like he’d been holding it, and all other struggles inside. 

“Tell me about her,” he finally said, wanting to cheer Nico up and keep him talking. Jason knew better than to try and empathize. ‘I’m sorry, I understand’ wasn’t going to cut it. Although, he did understand a little bit. Now was not the time to try and compare Nico’s loss to his own trials. Thalia was still alive, after all. 

“She was one of the best people I ever knew,” Nico began shakily and launched into a story about how young 1940’s Nico and Bianca used to mess with all the stupid Venetian tourists on their gondolas, how Bianca would go out of their way to make him laugh, how she always seemed so mature for her years, yet childlike at the same time. 

Jason watched Nico’s face as his story continued. The hard lines of stress softened as he continued to speak, and he grew more animated with each sentence. Soon he was talking with his hands to explain things, telling Jason about what Italy was like in the 1940’s, and how different it was. Telling him what he wished he could show Bianca now, because she would probably be astounded. 

There was something about the light in his eyes as he spoke that was enticing to Jason. He didn’t know what came over him, or why he was so enthralled. 

He couldn’t understand why he had made his next move. Maybe it was the happiness in Nico’s face, or maybe it was the fact that the happiness was still backlit with pain. Maybe it was the way he was so expressive, or the way the wind ruffled his too-long hair out of his eyes. Maybe Jason wasn’t thinking at all, his mind blank but for one thing.

He didn’t take it slowly. In a sudden motion, cutting Nico off mid-sentence, Jason leaned forward, taking Nico’s face into his hands, and smashed his lips into Nico’s. He moved them gently against the other boy’s mouth, taking in nothing but how surprisingly soft his lips were, feeling the bit of chapped skin left from Nico’s lip chewing habit. 

Then his brain registered a gasp, and reality rushed in around him full-force like a tidal wave and the gravity of the situation sank in on his shoulders. He pulled back instantly, terrified at what he’d done, his face and neck hot with a blush. The kiss had lasted no more than a few seconds but the damage was done.

Nico stared at him, eyes wide and bewildered. His hand slowly went up and touched his lips where Jason’s had been just a moment ago. Jason was too panicked to feel embarrassed by what he’d done. He had to get away, and now. Without another word, Jason stood up and fled into the ship, racing towards his cabin as if he were being chased by Gaea herself. He almost expected Nico to call out after him, but he heard nothing. 

Jason threw himself into his cabin, locking the door behind him and leaning his head against the wall. What had he done? 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

It had been a few hours since these events had transpired and Jason was still immobile on his bed, his knees drawn up to his chest. And he still had absolutely no idea what to do. 

What was he going to tell Piper? Was he even going to tell her? He certainly still loved Piper, but would she still love him when she heard what he’d done? He owed her the truth but the prospect of telling her he’d cheated - cheated - was horrifying. Why hadn’t he thought of Piper in that moment? If he had, he was sure he’d have been able to stop himself. 

What was the rest of the Argo II crew going to think if they found out? Did he accidentally out Nico? Or himself? Hades, before he had started talking to Nico he had been absolutely sure he was straight. Now he didn’t know what to think. 

And, perhaps most pressingly, what was he going to do when he saw Nico again? He couldn’t avoid him forever. How was he supposed to explain doing something he didn’t understand himself? What would Nico think? What did he think? 

The questions turned over and over in his mind, with no solution to either. And when Jason thought his mind was calming down, the memory surfaced, again and again. Kissing Nico. Jason felt his face flush every time he thought of it. Yep, he would rather die than ever have to face Nico again. If he had one wish in the world, it would be to erase that moment. 

But the worst part was, accompanying the nausea that had taken up a near permanent residence in his stomach, a warmth glowed in his core at memories of the kiss. It was completely against Jason’s will, and it terrified him. 

He’d never felt so afraid, knowing that the culprit of his fear was himself. He couldn’t process what had happened, couldn’t fathom what was coming. 

“Damn, Grace,” he laughed shakily to himself. “You sure do know how to fuck everything up.”


	2. the aftermath

Jason woke up sweating, his sheets tangled around his legs. Leftover images from his dream flashed in front of his eyes like a broken projector. Laughing with Piper. Their most recent date. Then the kiss with Nico. Stunned faces of his friends.

Jason laid his head back on the pillow with despair. He was used to nightmares much worse than this. He was a demigod for Zeus’s sake. This was no prophetic vision nightmare, but somehow this relatively normal dream, a subconscious reflection of his conscious fears, hit him harder than usual. 

Jason had spent the evening after the kiss locked up in his bedroom feigning an illness. It was a cowardly move, Jason knew. He was above hiding like a three-year-old playing hide and seek. 

But he also knew that completely heterosexual guys, who were in love with their gorgeous girlfriends, did not go around kissing their dude-bro friends. And Jason no idea how to deal with the fact that he’d done exactly that. 

Jason turned onto his side, looking at the digital clock on his bedside table. Six o’clock. No point going back to sleep now. 

He went about his morning routines briskly, turning his mind from anything that could be harmful to his sanity. He just had to make it through today. Now that the shock had worn off, he could come up with a plan of attack tonight. He just had to make it through the day. 

*************  
Nico knew his pacing was starting to get on Hazel’s nerves. But the nervous energy buzzing in his veins wasn’t allowing for stillness. 

“Are you sure nothing’s wrong?” Hazel queried for the seventh time. 

“Nothing’s wrong,” Nico said exasperatedly. “I’m just thinking.” 

“Think any harder and you’ll run into the wall,” Hazel muttered, annoyed. Nico laughed shortly then went back to pacing. 

He certainly hadn’t expected his first kiss to come any time soon. And he would never, in a million years, have expected it to come from Jason Grace. It had been extremely different than he’d imagined. Only a few seconds long - nearly half the time spent in complete shock. Completely out of the blue. Followed by a quick exit by Jason and no explanation, even though he’d been the one to kiss Nico in the first place. 

Jason Grace baffled Nico. Jason couldn’t possibly like him. He was closed off, cold, and churlish at best, dorky, ridiculous, and sad at the worst. There was certainly nothing physically appealing about him. Besides this, Nico had always thought Jason was straight. Even if he was wrong, that changed nothing. Jason still had a gorgeous, compassionate, and all around great girlfriend. Nico still had no appealing qualities whatsoever. 

So why in Hades would Jason kiss him? The look on his face when he’d pulled away haunted Nico as much as the kiss himself. He’d looked utterly horrified. The thought of Jason disgusted by what he’d done clenched at Nico’s stomach. What a way to send mixed signals, Grace.

Nico had no idea how he felt about the kiss itself. There had been no prelude to it; it had just happened. Nico didn’t think he’d ever liked Jason as more than a friend. Hades, at first, he hadn’t even liked him as a friend. But then Nico always had trouble interpreting his own feelings. He’d fought against his sexuality for so long, suppressing any romantic thoughts about men for fear of being found out. In the 1940’s, had he shown interest in a guy he could have been arrested. It had been over 70 years and he still struggled with his sexuality. He had the hardest time accepting he wasn’t some sort of abomination. How was he supposed to know the first stages of liking a boy? 

“Hey,” Hazel interrupted Nico’s train of thoughts. He looked up, startled to find her standing in front of him. “Whatever you’re worrying about, it will be fine in the end. You and Reyna will get the Parthenos to Camp Half-blood. We’re going to figure out how to defeat Gaea. I know it’s a lot, but everything’s going to work out. We have to believe that we really will save the world. Now c’mon. Annabeth called for a strategy meeting at breakfast. We can’t miss it.” 

*****************

Jason sat at the table with his head down, pretending to be fascinated with the rivulets of butter running down his pancakes. He felt, rather than saw, his fellow demigods filing in around him, refusing to look up more than was polite. 

Jason would never have described himself as a coward but this past day had proved very differently. 

“Are you alright, Jason?” Piper whispered from the seat beside him as Annabeth began speaking. 

“Yeah, fine,” he muttered quickly, looking at Piper only through his peripheral vision. 

“Really? Because normally you’d be devouring those pancakes, not inspecting them,” she joked, elbowing him lightly. Jason smiled slightly and obediently took a bite of his pancakes. 

Being with Piper reminded him of how much he loved her. She was the best girlfriend he could ask for, and also his very best friend. Of course, he was now debating which one his heart really considered her. 

“Jason?” he heard Annabeth say, finally tuning in. “What do you think?” 

This is it, he thought. I don’t think I’m ready. 

Jason lifted his head to address the table, hoping he didn’t hyperventilate thinking of the heavy secret on his shoulders, praying to the gods he didn’t lock eyes with Nico. 

Of course, the Fates were not on Jason’s side. The first face he saw when he looked up was Nico’s, sitting right across from him. Nico appeared to be looking firmly at the Camp Half-Blood scenery in the wall, but, trying to be polite and engaged in the conversation, turned back. 

Nico’s dark brown eyes flitted to Jason’s face and for a fraction of a second their gazes locked. Nico’s expression was unreadable, and Jason found himself looking deep into his eyes in hopes of seeing some hint of how he felt about their encounter yesterday.

Nico dropped his gaze quickly and Jason felt his face flush with heat. The sensation prickled up his neck, over his cheeks, and up his ears until his entire face was red. He noticed the pink flush across Nico’s cheeks as well, his eyes on the table. 

“Jason?” Annabeth said loudly. “Earth to Jason? You okay?”

“Yeah, I-” Jason flinched, his face growing hotter, as his voice cracked, squeaking up a full octave. He noticed Piper’s worried look and his cheeks burned. He cleared his throat quickly and continued. “I’m fine. Uh, we were talking about how to take out the giants right? I think we need to split into smaller teams and each take one…” he launched into his idea, the military strategic thinking of a Roman praetor temporarily distracting him from his embarrassment. 

Gods, damn it, he thought. Nico di Angelo is going to be the death of me


	3. the confrontation

Jason thought a night of planning would be able to prepare him for what he had to do. He thought he’d figure out every last word to say, every explanation. He was dead wrong. 

Jason still had no idea how he was going to handle the situation. He couldn’t fathom how to break it to Piper. He didn’t have an excuse for Nico. But he was tired of acting like a coward. He was going to own up to what he did like a warrior, and he wasn’t going to wait any longer. 

Jason took a deep breath and knocked on Nico’s door. He hoped to the gods that he wasn’t there, that he would have an excuse to further postpone this meeting. The door swung open and Jason breathed a sigh that was only about ten percent relief. 

“Jason,” Nico acknowledged him, holding the door nearly closed. Defensive. Great. The semblance of a speech Jason had prepared flew from his mind. He had no clue how to handle this. 

“Hi.” Jason responded. Nico was silent, forcing Jason to continue. “Hi, Nico. Uh, listen man, I need to talk to you. Can I come in?” 

“No,” Nico said, edging his way past the narrow opening in his doorway. “But I’m listening.” Nico stepped out of his cabin and into the hallway, arms crossed over his chest. 

“Right.” Jason muttered nervously, pulling at his hair. “Well, I...I guess I came here to apologize? And uh, maybe try to explain? Shit, this is not going as well as it did in my head…” he trailed off trying to recollect his thoughts. 

Nico cracked a small smile, though his eyes remained guarded. “I don’t know that there’s any protocol for ‘oops, I accidentally kissed my bro’, so you’re on your own.” 

A shaky laugh escaped from Jason’s lips. “Yeah, I don’t think so. Especially when a girlfriend complicates the matter a bit more. Alright. Alright, well, I guess I just have to start explaining what happened…?” 

“I’ve got all day,” Nico prompted, eyebrows raised. 

Jason swallowed, fighting back the dryness that had overcome his throat. “Right. Look, I don’t know what came over me back there. I don’t know what I was thinking. No, I wasn’t thinking. I tried working out an explanation for you, but I can’t even explain it to myself.” 

Nico continued to stare at him expectantly and Jason felt his face flush. “The thing is, I love my girlfriend. Things with Piper are going great. And gods, I never thought - sorry if this comes out rude - I’d ever kiss a guy.” 

Nico snorted. “Can’t say that I ever thought you would either.” 

“I just...now I’m questioning myself,” Jason floundered for words. “Not that I was using you to figure something out! I didn’t even think there was anything to figure out until I kissed you. I just… I’d never thought about it before it just…” 

“It just happened?” Nico mocked slightly. “Well I hope you know that’s not a good enough explanation for me. You can’t just kiss someone for no reason.” 

“I…” Jason felt like screaming in frustration. He’d known what he was going to say before getting here, he really had. But with Nico standing in front of him, looking both innocent and upset at the same time, all of his excuses died on his lips. “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have done it, I know I shouldn’t have. It’s screwing up my mind...will probably screw up my life but I can’t take it back. And I...damn it,” he growled, his train of thought ending when Nico subconsciously bit his lip, maybe to hold back some sort of emotion, maybe out of uncomfortableness. Jason didn’t know or care, because the gesture was enough to distract him and bring his focus to Nico, all angles from his cheekbones to his elbows, crossed over his chest. 

“What?” Nico asked, fidgeting. 

“Oh gods,” Jason fought back the heat threatening to overcome his face. “You do know you’re very attractive, right?” he spat out. 

“I...what?” Nico’s face relaxed, his eyes widening in shock. His cheeks flushed slightly, giving his face more color. Jason didn’t know what he was doing, but now that the words had left his mouth he couldn’t stop. The things he’d refused to even think were pouring from his mouth, unfiltered. 

“And I don’t know why I kissed you in the first place but I know that I want to do it again,” Jason confessed, blushing slightly as he saw Nico’s eyes continue to widen in surprise. “And I might be confused about everything right now but I’m not confused about you. I always thought I just wanted to look out for you like a brother, and be a friend when you needed one, but maybe I had other motives when I tried so hard to befriend you. I don’t know. I never expected it to come to this but now that it has…” Jason tried to reign himself in but it was as if he couldn’t control the stream of words. “And I know you love Percy and everything, and I know I’m not Percy, but I honestly don’t think it could ever work out between the two of you. I’m not offering to be a replacement for him but maybe I could be something good in your life. Hades, I don’t actually know what I want at all, but you look really hot when you’re confused and I’d love to kiss you right now.”

Nico looked utterly shell-shocked, eyes wide and body stiff. He blinked a few times, trying to process what Jason had said. Jason’s own mind had gone into fight-or-flight mode, panicking now that the words had left his lips and the impending consequences all flashed through his mind.   
“Are you serious?” Nico finally stuttered, looking at Jason with eyes full of unreadable emotions. Was that maybe...hope? Jason could only pray it was and move now before terror paralyzed him. 

Without answering, Jason closed the gap between them, taking Nico’s face into his hands as he had before. 

He waited until their foreheads were pressed up against each other, noses almost touching. Nico was breathing hard, but there was no fear or guardedness remaining in his eyes, giving Jason hope. 

“Yes,” he whispered, before pressing his lips against Nico’s. He moved his mouth gently against Nico’s, who remained unresponsive at first. Jason felt himself closing off, and was about to pull away when Nico kissed him back. 

Nico’s lips barely moved, fluttering over Jason’s, until Jason leaned farther forward, locking their lips together firmly. Jason felt his pent up emotions - stress, anger, confusion, lust, everything - pour into the kiss. It was rough and sloppy and not romantic at all but it was Nico and Jason wanted to breathe him in and stay this way forever. 

Nico’s mouth moved to Jason’s upper lip, playing with his scar. Jason groaned and pushed Nico up against the wall. Nico gasped slightly, giving Jason’s tongue entrance to his mouth. Nico kissed back fiercely. Jason slipped his hands down Nico’s back to his thighs, lifting him up against the wall, balancing slightly on Jason’s shoes. 

Nico smiled into the kiss and ran his hands up Jason’s shirt, over his defined stomach muscles, chest, and back down. 

They seemed to stay suspended in that state until Jason - physically fit, and if he had to say it, expert kisser - Jason was completely out of breath. He gently slid Nico back down to the floor and smiled at the slightly shorter boy. 

“Well, Grace,” Nico said teasingly. “That certainly made up for the crappy first kiss you took from me.” 

Jason laughed, shaky from lack of breath. “Glad to be of service.”


End file.
